CIN BLOG ENTRY: Anger is a Secondary Emotion.

A few quick quick notes about this blog entry, before you read it.

First, the mention of violence done to a cab driver was a direct account of something that a normal Chicago citizen did to an actual cab driver, here in Chicago. The incident happened back in 2004. The cab driver died. The argument was over an 8$ cab fare.

Second, This whole entry was a lie.

The parts about a co-worker and so forth was all fictional.

The truth is, I'd read a friends blog. A girl, actually. And she was crazy, furious, angry about something someone had said to her and had posted about it in her blog. A raw, injured post that said more about what she was really feeling, than the anger that she was trying to capture in the written word.
I was so moved by her entry that I posted this one, in response. Without ever SAYING that I was responding to her. As far as she would ever know, this was a random blog entry about some random person at my random job place. My hope was that the underlying message about where anger comes from would reach her and lighten her load.

An interesting coda to that story, I think that girl and I are dating, nearly a year later. And if we aren't dating, we are just making out in semi-public places and making total asses of ourselves. Only time will tell.

It's just interesting to note that I was thinking about this girl and even posting careful, caring posts to her, indirectly, a full year ago. Now look where we are. Sucking each others faces in the photo booth.

An interesting year...

On to the actual blog entry.

Anger is a Secondary Emotion.
10:26am 02/18/2005

A friend of mine is angry right now.

Someone, somewhere said something to her, which tipped her off, and it has ruined her day. I've just returned from getting coffee with her and on the walk over, twin plumes of steam were rising up from her ears. She was PISSED OFF, friends.

Anger.

Such an odd emotion. So irrational, yet SO powerful. It grabs you up and compels you to do things that you would normally NEVER even consider. Like getting into the cab and running the driver over. 3 times. And then driving off and ditching the cab three blocks away.

I read somewhere that Anger is actually a secondary emotion. It’s a reaction to ANOTHER more primal emotion and the Anger is your attempt to resume control over the situation.
Someone scares you, and you get angry and (play) beat them up.
Someone hurts your feelings and you get angry and seek out revenge.
Someone makes you feel un-attractive or stupid or worthless and you try to hurt them back.

Funny how closely related Self-Esteem and Anger are, isn't it?

I used to have an outrageous temper. (I am sure that there are people who would still say that I do. I understand that. Those folks don't have a whole lot of experience with me. That's pretty much all that they know. They don't have hours and hours of calm, reasonably tempered experience to compare their impressions with. I am okay with that. )
As I said before, I used to have an outrageous temper. As a young man and a child of a divorce, I felt like I had ZERO control over my life. Where I lived. What school I attended. What I ate in a given day. Where I spent my playtime. So much of my life was decided FOR me, by parents and judges that I fought HARD to get control of anything that I possibly could, in my life. And at that young age, you are limited in he methods of self-expression. So, anger and fighting and raging fits were all too common.

Somewhere along the way, someone explained to me, the theory of Anger as a Secondary Emotion. It made sense to me. Once I subscribed to that, I could detach myself from the Anger and search out the incident that hurt me, triggering the anger. By dealing with that, I could solve the actual problem without fighting or screaming getting in the way.

So, this is how I deal with Anger, in my life.

I don't feel like I have tensions bottled up inside of me. I have pretty much addressed the things and people that MIGHT cause tension for me. Consequently, I am angry less and less these days.

(On a side note, my family has a history of high blood pressure and REALLY bad hearts. This effort to control stress and tension is DIRECTLY influenced by my will to live, without searing pain racing across my chest and launching me off the tracks and into the endless abyss. Self preservation; nothing motivates like it.)

Back to my friend. She got a coffee and I had a Hot Apple Cider and we walked back to work. She vented to me, about the thing, which had upset her. At the core of her anger, it was very clear that she had been hurt and was reacting to that. I never talked to her about Anger as a Secondary Emotion. In fact, I didn't really talk about much. I listened. And I think that serviced to make her feel better.

I just saw her leave the office of the person who hurt her and nothing was thrown and no voices were raised. I think she has transcended her anger and was in a workable place.

I am glad to see her there.

Have a Relaxing Friday.

Think about the theory of Anger as a Secondary Emotion and if you find something upsetting you, disconnect yourself and find what is REALLY bothering you.

If you do, you'll live longer. Or so I believe.

COB